Become Confident Through Consent

You need a healthy, relaxed and powerful "no."

How often do you say yes when you mean no?

You MUST overcome people pleasing, going-along when you don't want to, self-abandonment, and pathological approval seeking.

Let me guess, you have probably overcommitted at work, with friend responsibilities, volunteering, or worse, gotten into a relationship you never chose.

Do a "No" Audit of all the commitments you've made that you're really a no to.

Do what you need to recorrect with integrity.

Then work on strengthening your "no".

This creates the space in your life to make a healthy relationship (of any kind) possible.

Having a weak no is also unattractive.

If women push you away over and over and you really are confused why, this is a likely culprit.

Even if you get into a relationship (of any kind), who will you be if you're always a yes? It's as if you don't exist.

Truth is, you get a benefit from your weak boundaries. You may keep yourself so busy that you don't have time to feel how unhappy you are.

You need to make a strong commitment to change this or no one can help you forward.

You will strengthen your boundaries, but what about your desires?

You think that your problem is fear.

But when you see a woman, how long does the fear last?

Natural, healthy fear only lasts about 90 seconds.

If it lasts longer, I would suspect that it's not fear that's the problem, it's shame.

Deep down you feel wrong or bad for your desires, that you're not worthy: "she wouldn't like me anyway".

Why? You have been conditioned by a legacy puritanical Christian society that your desires are bad, don't have value or are inherently harmful to others (especially as a man).

To get over this, you need to heal the shame underneath your desires.

How do you heal it? Simple! The principle is: Feel it to heal it.

Unfortunately, shame feels AWFUL. So you will definitely want some kind of support to help work through it.

This could be a therapist, medicine ceremony, breathwork retreat, or a program like this one.

Fact: Women are tremendously burdened by this same culture of sexual shame.

When you've deshamed your desires, women will intuitively feel that you are a man they can be their full, sexual self with. What a gift.

This alone will make you magnetic to women!

Next if you want to not just be unashamed but deeply respectful, high integrity and for your love life to feel good for everyone, you still have skills to learn…

"Want to… uh, cuddle with me this weekend? I mean, only if you're ok with that… uh…"

That's you apologizing for being attracted to her.

A woman says to you, "Are you hitting on me?"

What would you respond to this? Most men would say, "Oh no, I'm not hitting on you. Not if you don't want me to."

But what if you said, "Of course I am. Look at you."

This is what it looks like to express your desires without hiding.

Women are extremely aware of men's, often hidden, desire for sex.

Any beating around the bush is likely perceived as creepy.

Not to mention, if you energetically hide your attraction to her, she might agree to go out with you… and not even think it's a date! Just friends getting coffee… right?

So what do you do?

You could practise this skill by going out and expressing your desires to women, which is brave, because you are likely to embarrass yourself. I embarrassed myself hundreds of times over the years.

Or you can practise in a workshop environment where it's safe to make mistakes.

Authentic Relating events are great for this. You could do consent practice exercises at home with a buddy.

The Wheel of Consent practices are INCREDIBLE for this. We do 5 weeks of rigorous Wheel of Consent practices in this program.

So now you've strengthened your no, liberated your desires from shame, and become a master of expressing your interest in women. You can express YOUR interest… now you need to be able to read HER interest…

Attunement is the skill of artfully reading and responding to verbal and non-verbal cues.

Why do you need this?

For one, it's extremely attractive.

When you read her cues better than she can feel them herself, she can finally relax. Many women have never experienced a man like this, and they deeply long for it.

Another reason is to cut your rejections down significantly.

The truth is, I RARELY get rejected. Why?

If she's not signaling that she's a yes, I just don't ask her out.

And that's actually deeply respectful. Women are often exhausted from having to say no to unattuned men.

There is no world where you won't experience rejection, but you can reduce it by building this skill.

Big, embarrassing rejections usually come from misreading the situation. The harsher her words, the more obvious the no should have been.

Another critical reason to master attunement is to vet potential partners.

When you get good with your own yes and no, it becomes really obvious when a woman is bad with her yes and no.

If a woman is bad enough at expressing her boundaries, I simply won't ask her out or have sex with her. I can't trust her yes!

You can simply avoid the situation where hurt happens, because someone said yes and you missed that it wasn't authentic.

As a high integrity man, when you meet a woman who is bad with her boundaries, you have the opportunity to be a safe example of what respecting them looks like.

How do you develop masterful attunement?

Attunement starts with you.

Before you can read someone else, you MUST first be able to feel the subtle signals of your own body.

To do this, we practise explicit verbal consent.

For example, someone asks you, "May I touch your hand softly for my pleasure, for five minutes?"

To answer, you need to check in with your body.

The second way you develop attunement skills from explicit verbal consent is this.

Now YOU ask someone, "May I squeeze and squish your forearm for my pleasure, for 5 minutes?"

Then you watch how they respond.

As you do this over and over, your brain will begin to organically, unconsciously learn the thousands of subtle non-verbal cues humans give off every moment.

You could study non-verbals through books and YouTube...

but then you have to remember them. Through consent practise, you hardwire attunement into your subconscious.

Another reason to learn explicit verbal consent skills is...

Your intuition can be painfully, catastrophically WRONG.

To be masterful with attunement, you need to notice when you aren't sure if she's a yes, and then directly, plainly, explicitly ask.

If I can't read her, I often tell her directly: "I'm having a hard time reading you, how are you feeling being with me right now?"

While learning consent you will mess up and that's ok. So mess up in a safe, low-stakes workshop environment where you won't accidentally hurt women trying to figure this out for yourself in the wild.

Non-verbal attunement is an advanced skill and will get better the more life experience you get.

Having a perceptive coach or teacher to give you live feedback while out meeting women will be extremely helpful.

This is the second 5 weeks of this 10 week program.

Before you go out into the world of women, I believe it is best to do the inner work amongst men in a safe, welcoming workshop environment.

Shame can only be healed through inner work, attunement is a skill that must be sharpened, but fear can only be tamed by facing it.

A little fear is natural, healthy and normal.

But even a little fear is enough to keep you stuck in your menial day-to-day, week-to-week routine.

If you are single and wanting to attract new romantic or sexual connection, ask yourself…

How many new women have you met in the last week? The last month?

Even if you say you're too busy, it's awfully convenient you somehow don't have even 5 hours a week to face the fears keeping you from living your best life!

Fear may be stopping you.

What can help is…

• Brotherhood to go out together.
• Support and live feedback from a mentor.

Where should you go out to? Simply, where the women you want to meet will be!

Find events around hobbies, interests or passions that you genuinely care about.

BE IN COMMUNITY!

Be in community where you will run into someone you're interested in again and again over months.

As you meet people, consider hosting your own gatherings around whatever YOU are passionate about.

What does your form of leadership look like?

What unique gifts do you, only you, have to offer the world?

The Offer ↓